Editor’s note: While nuclear weapons are no laughing matter, the extent to which hawkish policy-focused organizations propagate alarmism about the so-called Iranian threat is hysterical (case in point). That’s why Dr. Strangeseuss couldn’t resist writing a response to the Hudson Institute’s June 21st conference, “When Iran Gets the Bomb“, where neoconservatives and their allies will help attendees “explore in greater depth the kinds of problems that the free world may encounter over time if Iran is not stopped.”

By Dr. Strangeseuss
(a/k/a Marsha B. Cohen)

When Iran gets the bomb
We’ll all need to worry.
Let’s sit down and think
What to do—we must hurry!

A bomb is a weapon
That drops down and explodes
On buildings and people,
On wheat fields and roads.

When a bomb knocks down houses.
The people inside
Whether children or grownups
Will be hurt or have died!

And nuclear bombs
Are the worst of the worst.
Spreading nuclear fallout
When they open and burst.

What a horrible way
To kill, maim and destroy:
Hiroshima, Nagasaki
And (almost!) Hanoi.

Such terrible weapons!
And they keep getting worse.
We mustn’t allow any
Spread of this curse.

That’s why the UN
Got most states to agree
Bombs like these are forbidden
By the 1968 N-P-T.

But the US and Russia
China, Britain and France
Had all tested their A-bombs
While they still had the chance.

And they got to keep them
On the condition that they
Wouldn’t use them, sell them
Or give them away.

Other countries that didn’t
Had to promise they’d try
To use “atoms for peace”
Not to make people die.

But a couple of countries
Didn’t think that was fair.
They wanted an A-bomb
And figured they’d dare

Make them in secret.
And hide them away
Where they wouldn’t be seen
By the I-A-E-A.

Israel, India,
Pakistan, as we know
All made themselves A-bombs
They’re all set to go.

South Africa had one
Then gave up with no fight.
(The hands that launch A-bombs
Should only be white!)

North Korea’s got nukes
That’s been sort of okay.
They simply wouldn’t listen
To the I-A-E-A.

Now IRAN wants the bomb!
Oh what shall we do?
Everyone else in the world
Will be wanting one too!

Arabs and Afghans,
Baluchis and Kurds,
Azeris, Turks, Tajiks
And Uzbeks! No words

Can describe all the havoc
In our world–now so calm–
When the day finally comes
that Iran gets the bomb!

Iran with a bomb
Would really be weird.
It’s a country whose leaders
Have all got a beard!

And you know what that means.
They’ll push us around.
They’ll shut off our oil
(Or charge by the pound).

They’ll make us all Shi’ites.
And make us speak Persian.
So le’s cripple them with sanctions
And perhaps an incursion!

So bring on the drones,
Assassinations, Stuxnet and Flame!
When Iran gets the bomb
Things won’t be the same!

The sun will not shine.
Our grass will not grow.
When Iran gets the bomb…
Where will free worlders go?!