My Golden Mohawk: Coming to Terms with Internal Stigma around HIV
Have you ever walked into a room and felt all eyes shift to you? When you were made to feel different because of your outfit, hairstyle or skin color?
Recently, I have. A few months ago, I mustered the courage to get a new, unique and chic hairstyle: a Mohawk, shaved sides and a gold braid on top.
I never had a day without people either looking at me or talking about me. Fans stopped me to praise the look, ask for its name, or take selfies with me.
I liked the attention. What my fans didn’t know is that I struggled to accept my new look. In fact, for a while, I hated it!
The first day I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I felt ashamed for having the boldness to go blonde.
Only a dear friend, who had encouraged the new hairdo, knew how much I did not like it. In the public eye, I acted as if all was well, but inside I was dying to be normal again.
From hair to HIV
This struggle with my hair reminds me of my secret fight of almost eight years – dealing with internal stigma.
SA Positive Magazine describes internal stigma as the fear of judgment that people experience. It can have a bad effect on how people living with HIV view themselves and cope with their HIV status.
Internal stigma results from complex interactions between:
- social factors, like one’s culture, economic status, and community support networks
- contextual factors, such as circumstances in our life, power relations between family and friends
- self factors, including our state of mind, depression, anxiety, coping skills and resilience.
Internal stigma might be a common, hushed struggle for the six million South Africans who live with HIV, but it is often ignored by most activists and people living with HIV, especially those of us who are perceived as role models and pillars of strength. We often forget our own wellbeing.
It can be hard to cope when you are at class with 25 people who are quick to share how their auntie passed on because of AIDS (May her soul rest in peace).
It is hard when your peers speak brutally about what being HIV+ means and about their misconceptions, so often tainted by death.
Such moments make it hard for those who are living with HIV to come out to their friends, families and partners.
Finding help
If you wonder how I have been dealing with my private shame (internal stigma), let me tell you.
First, I had to get real with myself. Then I looked for psycho-social support. I attend therapy sessions every Tuesday. It gives me a space to speak honestly about how I feel about living with HIV.
Most people do not know that it is perfectly normal to go through a series of phases when dealing with HIV. It takes time to accept our HIV+ status. Of course, the process differs from person to person.
I never belonged to any support group, but recently I have been thinking of starting one at the university to create a safe space for people who might be going through the same struggle.
Acceptance has been the key in dealing with this phase of my life.
Just like with my new hairstyle: I had to accept my new look to start enjoying it, to embrace this golden Mohawk phase of my life. With HIV, I had to accept its presence in my body to embrace the HIV phase of my life.
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